If you’ve followed me for any amount of time, you’ll know that I “heal out loud.” It started as part of my healing journey to love and embrace all aspects of myself – the good, the bad, and the ugly.
It was a way to give permission to others to love, embrace, and share all of themselves without giving a fuck.
I always wrote or shared in hindsight, you know, for professionalism.
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When I signed up for Kundalini yoga training, my number one fear was the inability of my physical body to actually do/hold the moves. If you’ve done a Kundalini class, you know what I mean. I was afraid to be the only one who couldn’t do something, that somehow that would make me less of a teacher.
Since I knew without a shadow of a doubt I was to take this training, I had to reframe, surrender, and accept it. I decided it was okay to make modifications if I needed to. To put my arms down if I couldn’t hold them any longer. I decided that I was going to be the teacher who couldn’t do all the moves perfectly, as a way to show the participants that it’s okay. Do your best – make modifications if necessary.
I began yoga training openly expressing my dislike for certain moves and shedding tears of pure frustration while trying to “do my best.”
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Fast forward to learning about Tantric Numerology. Within the Kundalini Yogic tradition, they believe we are made up of 10 bodies: soul body, negative mind, positive mind, neutral mind, physical body, the arc line, the aura, pranic body, subtle body, and radiant body.
Contained within each of us are these 10 bodies. Based on our birth date numbers, we can find our numerology chart, which consists of our soul, karma, gift, destiny, and path.
The soul number is your gateway to the core of your being, linking you to the nurturing, harmonious essence of the universe within. It embodies your creativity, fluidity, and authentic expression. Your soul emerges when you transcend the confines of your mind and embrace the guidance of your heart. Through this connection, you find solace, unity, and alignment with the boundless energy of the universe, dispelling any feelings of isolation or disconnect.
Sounds pretty fucking amazing, right?
Your soul number also indicates your weak link. Your goal is to learn to consciously access and master this body, so it can serve you. (enter laughing and crying face).
Do you want to guess which of the 10 bodies is my soul body??
Yup, the physical body.
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Let’s rewind to a few weeks ago. I started to have a pain in my left eye. At first, I was like, this isn’t completely unusual, I’ve had eye pain before. But as the days went on and the pain got worse, it became weird. (Sidenote: most the physical “experiences” I’ve had in my body are weird. *eyeroll * )
As a good earthly being does, I started to be concerned. It shouldn’t be lasting this long. And the only way to minimize the pain was to take Tylenol or Advil (which I don’t like to take daily and/or consistently).
I’m in tune enough to know that I am likely experiencing this as some sort of lesson (because they all are). And in the first few days, I was okay with that. Sure, I’m open; teach me the lesson.
Then, as most things go, the pain persisted, and I start to get frustrated. My hindsight note: as soon as I get frustrated, I “leave” my body. I detach and disassociate. Frustration is usually accompanied by anger. So I stewed in that for a few days, and then went to the eye doctor.
What I think is interesting is as soon as I disassociate, I seek the opinion of others for help. While I could agree it’s prudent in some cases to get checked out by a medical professional, all this did was support my suspicions that there isn’t actually anything wrong (there’s never actually anything wrong with me; I just experience physical symptoms – because it’s fun and I love it. Lol)
Given that the role of the optometrist is to prescribe glasses, he found that since my Lasik surgery, my eyes have changes ever so slightly. In his opinion, all would be fixed if I wore glasses.
Didn’t feel right.
The next day, I woke up, the pain was still there, but now it was accompanied by blurriness. And, no, not blurriness that requires corrective lenses. It was like I was playing Mario Kart and someone had inked me – though this ink spot was translucent.
Monday was bad. It’s like you can feel all the good slip away. It starts slowly. Your mood goes. The energy changes. You can feel the spiral, and you want to feel different, but you can’t. I got angry. I was angry with my body, who had once again betrayed me.
I was angry with the Universe…no, I won’t even put a spin on it. I was angry with god. Like, I had some choice words and feelings.
I felt beat down, abandoned. I had no fight left. I’m done.
My saving grace, yoga. And only because I had to be there to teach. Had I been the participant on that Tuesday morning, I can assure you I would not have showed up. I would have enjoyed my angry, frustrated pity party. (and felt justified in doing so).
Yoga was the first normal I felt In days (mostly because your eyes are closed for the majority of it). I was grateful to be the one who had to show up that day. It allowed me to release some of the yuck I was carrying and come back into my body. It was a glorious 60 minutes.
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I was due back to the optometrist on Tuesday to do eye dilation. Everything was healthy, and as I was explaining to the doctor that I had this new symptom, he brushed it off and asked me if I was wearing glasses yet.
Internally I made the biggest eye roll (they have to be internally right now because it hurts). It was ironic because two days earlier, he had told me that the reason my left eye hurt was because it was compensating for the right eye’s weakness.
Hmmm, if that was true, why is the left eye now noticeably more blurry?
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The pain was increasing and so was the blurriness. Any type of concentration: reading, computer work, or driving caused considerable strain, which turned into pain, which caused a headache.
Thursday evening I went and sat outside in the hot tub and allowed myself to release my frustration through the beautiful act of emotional release. Since anger is difficult for most women to express, we do so through crying.
I decided to write what I was feeling in that moment, in real time.
Out of all the lessons I thought I'd learn in this life I didn't realize my physical body would be the brunt.
It's actually only now that I see the pattern.
That's a lie. I don't see the whole pattern.
What I currently see are these physical symptoms that bring me to my bottom.
I start with optimism. “I got this. I can heal.”
Then it continues. It pushes every edge of being.
I lose faith.
I lose hope.
And I become frustrated, and frustration leads to anger.
This leads to my first convo with God where I express this frustration and anger.
I stay here for a few days while it gets worse.
I know it's making it worse.
I feel my heart center close.
But mostly I cry. Out of pure frustration.
I know they are lessons.
I know it will pass.
I know the pain and discomfort is my teacher.
I know I need to surrender, give up control, but I'm not there yet.
I had to feel all the things I was feeling. I had to get through the yuck in order to let it go.
The reason we disassociate and detach from our bodies is because we don’t want to feel. Feeling is hard and we avoid is, usually, at all costs.
This shit is dark. You could look at it and say, “You’re just having some momentary eye pain.” Sure, on paper that’s exactly what it is. But it’s constant and annoying, and it reminds me of all the potential ways my life could change. Am I going blind? Will I ever be able to drive again? Will this pain or headache ever go away? How do I run a business where you’re on the computer for a significant amount of time if I can’t do computer work?
We start to spiral.
The spiral leads to increased cortisol and adrenaline in our bodies. I am suffering “trauma,” and my body is freaking out. I no longer want to feel what’s happening in my body, so I’m just going to bow out for a bit.
Luckily, I’m aware that this is my pattern. And thankfully I have people and tools in my tool chest to pull me out.
I’m still in it. I’m just taking a slightly different approach.
I had an energy medicine session to strengthen my meridians. I went to the hyperbaric chamber and the salt room to increase the oxygen levels in my body, increase my negative ions, and to feel relaxed. I continue to do yoga. I have other “medical” appointments booked because in my “fight or flight” state, I’m usually convinced I’m going to die. (lol)
Deep down I do know this will pass on its own – likely when I’ve calmed the hell down, come back into my body, and learned whatever it is I am to learn.
It’s coming down to the same things every time: learning how to calm the body and release the excess energy produced when we go into “fight or flight” aka stress, and how to reconnect to your body and self once you’ve disconnected.
As always, I’m a work in progress. (My jam: Beautiful Things - Benson Boone)
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