Post 17: I wouldn’t necessarily define myself as a mama bear or a Beverly Goldberg type, but the desire as a mother to take away your child’s pain is something fierce. I would say some of the things I’m good at is the ability to take a situation and either find the positive or a blessing in it or believe that everything happens for a reason. Well, grief and loss is its own beast. I am not good at grief. I’m not sure anyone is actually good at it, but I have zero experience. I’m 36 years old and all four of my grandparents are still alive. No tragic losses. I’ve watched others deal with grief, including my kids, and up until a year ago, I can’t even say I could understand what they were feeling. When I first found out about Ronan, before I knew the prognosis, I was devastated but had optimism that he was going to fight this. Little did I know he was actually terminal. My heart broke. As a mother, I couldn’t imagine the pain and sadness the family was going through. As Ben’s mom, all I wanted to do was help him make sense of it, and I couldn’t. There are no words. Words are the way I am able to express myself through so many things except grief. For me they are a way to heal. With grief, there is nothing you can say, no logical explanation. This leads me to feel helpless because I want to take away the pain, their pain. I want to do or say something, and there is nothing. For me, today is a reminder that life is short. Today is the kind of day to hug your loved ones really tight and express gratitude for them. Today is a reminder to eat the cake, buy the shoes, and do the very things that scare the shit out of you because we only get a finite number of days to do them, and we don’t get to choose when our days are up. Today in what feels like the weirdest of worlds, I am reminded that people are good, that kindness exists, and there are people out there who have an amazing amount of courage and strength, who can endure unfathomable pain and still have a light that shines so bright. I’m a big believer in honesty and owning your feelings. Ben may still struggle to find the words to express how he’s feeling; hell, I still seem to struggle. So we do what we can. After ordering a cake for my sister’s birthday, Ben has relentlessly been asking for the “For Ronan Rocher” cake for today. Little does he know I ordered it weeks ago. 😊
It’s been one year since a beautiful soul found his way home. Today we eat the cake, in honour of Ronan. ❤️
(I could have chosen a number of Imagine Dragon songs as they remind me of Ronan. When I listen to "Supermarket Flowers - Ed Sheeran", I am also reminded. It might be a "run with kleenex" type of day)
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