Post 18: I'm right; you're wrong

Post 18: I am sitting here this morning with this odd uncertainly on what to say; this doesn’t often happen. I tend to have lots to say; ask Terrace. My uncertainly comes from an internal conflict on things I’d like to share or say and fear how it will be received. While nothing I’ve shared is for any other reason than my own healing and dealing and owning of shit, I am careful in the way I express it. I’m careful in expressing an opinion that may be perceived as though I am “telling” someone what they “should” do or believe. (PS: I hate the word “should” and yes, I’m aware hate is a strong word). Part of my journey is realizing that we all have opinions or beliefs, and usually these are differing opinions or beliefs. And in my experience, most people believe their opinions or beliefs are “right.” Once someone believes they are “right,” this seems to open up a righteousness of the person who believes they are “right” convincing everyone else they are wrong. I use the word “convincing” sarcastically as at times it feels more like berating. And the way it works is once I am right and you are wrong, I judge you. (Judgement – it runs deep.) And I’m not even sure we can escape it. With all my new-found time, I bought a book that talks about judgement and how to deal with your own. I bought it because the author said it was her favourite book and most people don’t finish it. Challenge accepted. 😉 What I love is that she states we all judge, and we probably won’t ever stop judging. But you can analyze your judgements and your own motives behind why you have them. When I analyzed the judgements I have, they all have a similar theme. It usually goes something like this: I think I’m right and you’re wrong. Period. That’s it. (hmmm, interesting discovery). For me it’s never about them, it’s always about me. For those who know Terrace and I really well will know that we like to “discuss” heatedly the opposing views on pretty much every matter. For whatever our reason(s) (or baggage), we don’t tend to agree with each other the first time around. My “need” to be right stems from that little girl trying to get a seat at the big boy table, and his “need” stems from whatever it stems from (that’s for him to figure out, not me). We don’t tend to drag it on for days anymore; we “discuss,” try to get the other person to agree (because we are both “right”), someone thinks they’ve “won” and is ultimately “right,” the other person (being stubborn) doesn’t agree, and we move on until the next time. It’s a super fun pastime. I know that at the end of the day whatever we are “discussing” doesn’t matter. My takeaways: usually no one is actually “right.” And who the fuck cares. What I find is when I am so stubborn to believe that I am right and there is no other way and then I’m “proved” wrong, being able to say “I’m sorry, you were right,” is so damn hard. Again, ask Terrace. My ego does not let go that easily. I am trying (it’s new) to take a “who cares” approach. The difference, for me, is if I’m not invested in trying to prove I’m right, but just listen to what Terrace (or anyone else) is saying and express my own thoughts, feelings, or beliefs without trying to change his (or anyone else’s) mind, it’s easier not only to hear what he’s saying but to also evaluate or even change (gasp) my own thoughts, opinions, beliefs. Real life example: The reason I hate politics is because I have my own views and other people have differing views, and we can’t actually have a conversation about it because I’ve already decided I’m right (so I’m not really listening), and you’ve already decided you’re right (so you’re not really listening), and it becomes a standoff of who can talk the loudest or make the most compelling argument. I believe at the end of the day we all want the same thing; I don’t believe any non-psychopathic person wants anyone to suffer. But it’s like once you’ve made your stance, voiced loudly your opinion (because we don’t tend to softly give our opinion when we believe we are right), we can’t admit we might be wrong. We can’t. We must defend (to the death) what we believe. I questioned myself why I feel the need to hold strongly onto said opinion: It usually stems from fear (of some sort). If I continue with the example of politics, based on the industry Terrace is in, depending on which political party is in power determines how much support there is for work. Now obviously that is not the only thing, and the details don’t matter. So if I believe political party A will support the industry he’s in and he supports my family, then my reasons are based solely on “what if the other party wins and he’s without a job? And if he’s without a job, then how do we live?” And the same is true on the other side. In my ideal world, we’d stop fighting against each and starting fighting for each other. Fuck whoever is in “power.” If I fought with you and for you in your time of need and you did the same in mine, wouldn’t we all win? Instead we are constantly fighting against each other and no one wins. Fear and judgement – who knew they were so closely related. 😉 In questioning my own fears, judgements, opinions, beliefs, I’m not even sure there is a “right” in most things. I’m not sure there is absolute truth. There is my truth and there is your truth, but they don’t have to be the same to be true. Society, religion, your family, and a mixture of all sorts of other outside influences will have us believe there’s only one truth – which is why we fight against (or vehemently disagree with) each other. Other than Terrace (because there’s some odd spousal relationship need to “discuss” everything in disagreement), I am trying to see people’s opinions without emotion or judgement. I don’t have to get angry and try and convince you why I think you are wrong. I don’t even have to call someone names (shocking, I know). I can simply shrug my shoulders and say, “Well, that’s interesting.” And go on my merry little way. I often remind myself instead of trying to be right, try being a little less wrong. 😊 How Far We’ve Come – Matchbox 20

May 6, 2020, 8:59 AM