Post 14: Labels

Post 14: When I set out on my journey to post my story or parts of it, it was a way for me to get over the fear of being judged. Regardless of what anyone was thinking, I kept posting. I felt like if I could be brave enough to do something that scared me, maybe it would give someone else the courage to do something that scared them. In the middle of March, I felt it wasn’t the right time to keep posting – for various reasons. We are coming up to the end of seven weeks. I can’t actually believe it’s been that long already. And to be honest, it’s been a rollercoaster, and I’ve been all over the place. I was highly motivated for the first two weeks and accomplished lots of organizing tasks around the house. I felt awesome and loved all the time I had. The third week wasn’t great, and the rest in between have been ups and downs of trying to feel normal and like I have purpose (one that doesn’t include cooking another meal, baking something else, or cleaning for the one millionth time) and asking myself when the alarm goes off at 5…or 6 a.m. “what’s the point?” as I press snooze for the next hour (or two). On the upside, given all the baking AND eating of baking and all the time since I have no work, going outside for a walk or run has been easy to “fit in.” Plus it’s how I justify how much baking I can eat. You can eat 12 cookies, but then you better go for a run. 😉 Okay. If I was being really honest, there is always one week out of the month where I bake like crazy because despite what else is going on or how busy I am or what time in the evening it is, I want to eat it bad enough I’m willing to make it. That “one week” lingered for four (FML). 🤦‍♀️ Hmmm…maybe that’s why I feel more like myself today… 🤔 As you very well know, I’m owning my shit or at least trying to figure out what shit to own. I had, for me, a very eye-opening experience before Christmas of who I think I am versus how other people see me. I thought “my people” just thought I was awesome. What?! You mean you don’t all the time? I feel like I was born with a sense of who I am. I am not shy or quiet. My mother would describe me as “difficult.” She, today, would say that I was difficult for her. If she asked me to do one thing, I did another. Will you sing this song? Nah, but I’ll sing this song that I just made up. As a toddler, I was a biter. This was a big deal apparently. To others it meant I was mean. I think at one point a family member called me “devil child.” (Labels stay with you, people!) I’ve always felt I had an old soul. And while I couldn’t describe what that means, at 8 years old I emphatically told my mom that I was actually 14. Maybe this is why the age thing was an issue for me. Outwardly, I was loud. I was not scared of anything. I didn’t hold back emotions. Generally speaking, I was not calm or easy going. When my younger sister was born, she was quite the opposite in temperament. Very calm, always happy. She was, to use my mother’s words, “easy.” This perception of who I was to others meant I didn’t care what other people thought; I was outspoken and opinionated; I wasn’t afraid of anything. Despite the outwardly expression, inside I’m realizing I’m a bit of a people pleaser. There is a need to be loved and accepted, which has led to some self-sabotage or at least guilty feelings or feelings of not being good enough and self judgement. It’s sort of like because I’m pegged as the opinionated one who isn’t afraid to say what’s on her mind, does her own thing, I obviously wouldn’t care what other people think. Isn’t bothered or offended by hurtful comments. Isn’t worried about pleasing her parents, spouse, friends, family, coworkers, et cetera. Once you realize you’re labeled a certain way, it’s how you behave outwardly because that’s what people expect. So despite how hard I’ve worked on being calmer, not giving a shit about every little thing, and learning to let it go, to others, they only see who they think I am. I’m already wearing that old label. I don’t know about you, but the sense of who I am has been strong even if my actions at the time didn’t really mimic it. For example, “who I am” was a runner, even though I was sitting at home, watching TV, eating some chocolate, and hadn’t done some form of exercise in months. The version of who I am on the inside: I am a businesswoman; I get dressed up and rule the world, but at the time, I’m working from home in my sweats with nothing “rule the world” like on the go. For me, when who I think I am doesn’t align with what I’m doing or what’s happening, it leads to some pretty harsh self judgements. I’ll share a few stories in the days to come. It feels like the kind of day to blast “Titanium – Sia” while I run in the sunshine I am so very grateful for. * Always choose love. ❤️ *

May 2, 2020, 8:03 AM