Post 19: Me too :(

Post 19: Judgement… and forgiveness From my most painful experiences, came the most growth. Hindsight is beautiful because it allows you to look back on an experience without all the pain (okay, mostly without all the pain). This one is probably one of the harder ones to share. It’s less about the incident and more how about I felt (feel) about myself. I remember when the #metoo came out. I remember how seeing so many of my female friends reposting the same hashtag made me physically nauseous. I remember sitting there and thinking, “Just post it. Stand together.” I couldn’t. I couldn’t write the words “me too.” And as I write those words today, there are tears running down my cheeks. That moment of not being able to own it made me realize it was not dealt with. (And remember, there is always that fear of judgement. I did not want someone to look down at me with pity.) In 2009 during my university graduation BBQ at my house, I was touched inappropriately by my father-in-law, not just once but multiple times. Not in private but surrounding the guests at my party. Out of all the potential stories out there, the physical act is not what is so horrible, but it’s how I felt about it and me. You know, the first drunken hug in which he copped a feel might have been an accident, but when it continued to happen multiple times over the course of the evening… it was a pattern, it was intentional, and it was wrong. Drunk or not, IT. WAS. WRONG. I was trying to be a good hostess, a good wife, a good daughter-in-law. He was very drunk, nothing out of the ordinary for him (which, I’ll just add as a side note, is not a valid excuse.) I remember most of the party guests being quite annoyed by his drunken behaviour. I wasn’t the only one he was trying to “hug” that night, but I felt like better me than them? I kept wondering if anyone else could see what was happening; I kept waiting for someone to save me, make it stop. I couldn’t find the words; I felt so small and helpless. I was not scarred by the physical act; I was ashamed and judged myself very harshly for not standing up for myself. I still can’t make sense of how in these situations, the “wounded party” (I refuse to call myself a victim) ends up feeling such strong emotions like guilt and shame. I didn’t do anything wrong, and yet he got to wake up the next day and not even remember it (supposedly). And I got to wake up and deal with it for the next – well, probably in some form for the rest of my life. That one night not only changed my life, but it changed my marriage and influenced in some way every decision I made as a wife, a woman, and a mother. I know today dealing with this incident has nothing to do with him; it has everything to do with forgiving myself for holding on to something that wasn’t mine to carry. It’s hard to see yourself as a strong woman and then have moments when you can’t find your voice. While I was running one day, the thought that popped into my head was “Should we be forever judged by our worst mistake?” I certainly don’t want to be forever judged for my worst mistake. And then I thought about Terry. Logically I want to say of course we shouldn’t. People make mistakes. But it’s like if I fully forgive him, it forgives what he did, and if I forgive him and what he did, then that just leaves me, and it’s harder to let go of the feelings I have about myself and the situation than him specifically. The forgiveness is a work in progress. I forgive myself for feeling small and helpless that night. I forgive Terrace for not “protecting” me that night. As for Terry, I’m still working on it. I can (usually) listen to “Praying” by Kesha now without crying; I call that progress. Speaking your truth, speaking against what’s mainstream or “normal” takes courage. Without speaking out against “the norm,” women and people of other races wouldn’t be considered people and certain “acts” would still be considered okay. We don’t have to agree with each other, BUT we can accept that everyone has their own truth(s) and treat them with kindness. Just because you believe you’re right, doesn’t mean you are.

May 7, 2020, 8:01 AM