It was 2014. I suddenly had some major gastrointestinal issues.
Within just a few weeks, I had lost 10 pounds, then 15, then 20. I looked and felt horrible.
After the sudden, and for me drastic, weight loss in approximately two months, I decided to go to my family doctor.
The weight loss was continuing and everything was literally going right through me.
This might have been fine had I not felt nauseous, anxious, light-headed, tired and generally just like crap.
Although I wouldn’t admit it at the time, I knew my body’s reaction was emotional.
I wasn’t ready to face it.
One of the weirdest parts of this was everyone’s comments on my weight. “Oh, wow, you look great. What are you doing?” I’d be thinking, “Are you fucking kidding me? I look like death, and my weight before was fine.” On the outside, I’d avoid the question. Or say, “thanks,” with an internal eye roll.
I remember my mom saying something to the effect of “I’d do anything to drop 20 pounds like that.” I looked at her, smiled, and said, “Careful what you wish for.”
Like having “morning” sickness with both pregnancies, I wouldn’t have wished how I was feeling on my worst enemies. (And before stating that, I would actually envision them to make sure it’s how I felt 😉 )
So my life is heading towards my rock bottom.
I’m using poor coping skills. I’m failing at everything including school, mothering, and my marriage was on the rocks. What better way to add to this magnificent life than to feel like shit 100% of time with no relief regardless of what I ate, or didn’t eat.
Like every good avoider, I went through the motions. I did all the medical tests. ALL of them. I waited to see all the appropriate specialists. I booked all the tests. Nothing showed up.
Bloodwork, despite my body not keeping any food in it, was perfect. Picture of health.
Colonoscopy and endoscopy were clean.
They did detect gallstones before I had ever had the pleasure of an attack. Holy shit! The second attack almost did me in. I’m happy to report that I only suffered through two of them before I healed my body. (Thank God)
In my arsenal of people, I had a naturopathic doctor, who could probably have helped. Okay, I know he could have helped. But I wasn’t ready to face my shit.
I didn’t want to face what my body was now screaming at me.
Instead I suffered. I suffered by choice. I suffered from a place of self-punishment.
In hindsight it's interesting to remember knowing I could probably do something to help feel better and literally deciding, nah, I deserve to suffer. It was just one more on the list of things to add to my victimhood.
Not only was my body suffering physically, I was riddled with anxiety all the time.
These types of issues can and do strike at any time. I was never sure what would cause it, so it got to the point that I didn’t eat in public, or if I did, I had to go home immediately. I was embarrassed and uncomfortable all the time.
It became harder generally to be out in public with people, so I opted to stay at home.
It took almost a year.
I had to find the courage, and I had to muster up some love for me.
As I started to heal my life, and deal with my stuff, my symptoms disappeared as if by magic.
Proof. Gone.
It took some time for me to trust my body again. And as I learned to trust it and love it, I can say that I can eat anything without any adverse effects. No more worrying about eating in public or avoiding certain foods while not close to home. No more feeling sick, tired, light-headed or nauseous.
It took a few years for the anxiety and fear to subside, but for the first time, I realized how important a healthy body is and how your body will talk (or scream) at you when there’s something going on.
--
It can feel daunting to first start down the path of dealing with your wounds.
All the words have such strong, negative connotations.
We don’t want to have trauma, wounds, hurts, distress.
We’re barely treading water here. It seems cruel to bring up the very thing you think is going to push you under.
The amazing thing is it usually becomes your life raft.
We are afraid of what we may find if we look within. We think going deep inside will release the demons and ultimately do us in.
In fact, it unties the weights around your ankles and loosens the noose around your neck.
Comments