Post 22: Navigating university and babies

Post 22: When I embarked into my adult life and was contemplating what I wanted to be when I grew up, I landed on psychologist. I found human behavior fascinating and had a strong desire to help people. It only took intro to psychology to decide that they were not the courses I wanted to take in university. It was important to my mom that her girls attended university. She was very clear that she wanted us to have more options and opportunities than she felt she had. Despite some touch-and-go moments in high school, I knew I’d go on and complete a degree. Although that statement is said easier than it was in real life. In my Grade 12 year, which I completed in Ottawa (via distance ed), I applied to three university transfer programs for that September, and I don’t remember if I didn’t get accepted or just couldn’t get everything in place to attend for September, but I didn’t attend then. I didn’t have any post-secondary funds set aside, everything I needed would need to come from student loans, and I would definitely need a job. My mom came back from Ottawa, sold her house in Vegreville, and settled in Calgary. I applied to Mount Royal for the January intake. I was accepted, but because it was only half a year and one of the three courses I was taking was a high school one, student loans would only give me $400 towards tuition. I would need to come up with the rest. I remember going to my mom (because she was easier to approach than my dad) hesitantly because I knew she didn’t actually have the money lying around, and she said she couldn’t help. I would have to figure it out. (I don’t remember the exact words she used, but that about summed it up). Devastation, defeat, and anger doesn’t begin to cover how I was feeling. On one hand I wasn’t surprised because as I said, it wasn’t like she just had it lying around, but I wanted her to just fix the problem. She has since said that she would have ensured I got the money to pay tuition, but she was not going to let me know that. My dad was notorious for saying no first to basically anything you asked him. It meant that the whole three times in my life I asked him for help I needed to be prepared for the no, some sort of snarky remark about what I was asking for, and then awkward silence. I don’t entirely remember how it got sorted, but I paid the tuition and was able to start university. That was the only time I had to ask anyone for help paying tuition – thank God. Student loans may have been easier to get after that semester, but because I had to fight pretty hard just to go, it taught me (which is absolutely the lesson my mom was trying to teach me) when something is hard, when something is worth fighting for, it will mean that much more to do it/have it/experience it. Unlike some other people I knew, I didn’t piss around in university. I attended Mount Royal from January 2002 until April of 2004. I got a job and arranged my schedule to pretty much work full-time hours during this time. I would go from living with a then boyfriend to moving back in with my mom. Overall life was really good. I still didn’t know what I wanted to do with my life. Out of all the courses I took, I enjoyed the women’s studies ones the best. It allowed me to question things I had never questioned and elicit a passion like nothing else could. Easter of 2004, one of my aunts and her family came to have Easter with us; she had a 6-month-old at the time. Terrace and I were newly dating. I remember asking him if he wanted to hold the baby, and his response was something to effect that he believed if he held the baby that it was “bad luck” and I would end up pregnant or he would have a baby; I’m not exactly sure how he worded it. I obviously scoffed and thought that was ridiculous as I passed him the baby. Whether he was joking or not, I would get pregnant right around that same time (thoughts and beliefs are powerful, my friends). This is when life got super crazy. I had quit my job in February, finished the school year in April. Mom finds out she’s moving to China for two years in May; I find out I’m pregnant basically at the same time. I was so fortunate that something like Athabasca University existed. While it wasn’t completely “online” yet, I was able to continue to take courses all throughout my pregnancy in China. In fact, I think I only took one semester off after Charli was born (and even that I’m not sure that I did, but I have no memory). Athabasca, compared to Mount Royal, had so many women’s studies courses, and it was then that I decided that would be my major. It was during this time that my beliefs and ideas didn’t seem to line up or maybe it’s that I didn’t exactly know what they were. Baby or no baby I was finishing this degree, for me. I was trying to figure out what it meant to be a “good mom,” but not lose who I was or who I was going to become. So I’m part feminist, trying to break all the traditional rules of what it means to be a woman, mother, wife. I’m trying to be a “good mom” based on my upbringing, maybe some religious views, and in this marriage-like relationship trying to navigate through that. By Spring 2006 I felt like I had things pretty well figured out. We had a good routine. I was at home with Charli, completing my degree, and planning our wedding that would take place the next summer. Charli was finally sleeping through the night. Terrace worked, supporting our family. I had decided to take two courses that spring/summer to help finish my degree faster. They would have just started when I found out I was pregnant with Ben. In some ways this shouldn’t be a big deal, right? It’s just pregnancy; people do it all the time. (As my three-year-old niece Ellie would say, "You - easy peasy; me - no easy). HA. I was so sick. If you’ve never experienced morning sickness like that, I don’t even know how to describe it. I used to tell Terrace it was a cross between your worst hangover and the flu, but it doesn’t matter what you do, you don’t ever feel better, ever, unless you’re sleeping, and even then, if I had taken (or really attempted to take) my prenatal vitamin, I would often fall asleep and then wake up to puke it up. Looking back that was one of the hardest times for me: so sick you feel like you’re dying, so tired you can’t function, partner who worked out of town, no friends or family nearby, trying to complete the courses I enrolled for as I would begin the regular school year in September. I’m grateful I was young and felt like I had something to prove because I’m not sure I’d be as determined today. (Morning sickness and some slight postpartum with Ben would be the reason we (I) would stop at two.) Despite having no help and Terrace working out of town, I managed to keep Charli alive (and mostly fed – that kid lived off of Mr. Noodles and yogurt and baby cereal that I fed to her while lying on the couch) and complete my courses before the fall semester started. To be continued… “Float on” Modest Mouse

May 20, 2020, 7:46 AM