I’ve been MIA from my life. Okay. Mostly just missing, no action.
Have you ever given the Universe an ultimatum? Either fix this or I’m done?
I had two very rough “morning” sickness pregnancies, and while I wouldn’t have wished how I felt on my worst enemy, I never gave the ultimatum.
It took only three days to go from unwell to if this is it, I’m done.
Time is a weird thing. It feels like it went on for years, but it was only a few days.
I was begging with whatever “higher power” would listen to please make it stop.
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Last Wednesday night I started to experience some vertigo/dizziness that started during the nighttime only would continue to compound over the course of the next six days to the point that I could not walk without the assistance of a person or something to hang on to.
I’ve experienced vertigo/dizziness in various forms before, but nothing like this. I have never had to hold on to all the walls to avoid falling over while attempting to go pee.
At one point, in the middle of the night, I was holding on to the bedside table with one hand while my other hand was on the wall trying to tell my body it wasn’t moving.
If it didn’t feel SOOOOOO awful, it could be laughable.
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My body betrayed me... again. I thought we had made up and were forming a new, trusting relationship. I took the position that I had done everything I had promised to do on my end: eat well, exercise, say nice things, check in on a regular basis. But she wasn’t doing what I thought she’d promised.
See, I decided her end of the bargain was that I felt good 100% of the time. No sickness, no yucky feelings, no pain.
I realized that this wasn’t the deal she had made, but it’s the unrealistic expectation I had of her.
So I start having these awful physical symptoms and not once do I check in and ask what she needs or what she’s trying to tell me. I just got angry. Like, super angry. Then I got frustrated and started judging myself and my body.
I’m doing everything “right.” Why are you acting this way? Why are you punishing me? I thought we were good. I thought we were friends.
It took all of 30 seconds for me to give up and walk out (aka disconnect).
So I’m in this intimate relationship with my body and as soon as things got tough, I got mad and left. We didn’t talk. I didn’t ask for her side of things. I didn’t look at my part in this. I just passed the blame and disengaged.
This is an old relationship pattern I thought I had corrected. (Okay, this is something I’ve improved on in my marriage.)
This relationship with my body no longer feels safe. And since were are part of this same entity, where do I go from here?
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Given that it was a long weekend, I was not able to even call a practitioner until Tuesday. By Tuesday, I felt extremely broken. And not just broken, weak.
The only mechanism to release how I was feeling was through tears. And they flowed all day.
Terrace was preparing to go back to work. I didn’t know how I was going to manage without him.
I had to ask for help, and that was harder than I could have expected. Not only did I have to admit that I was “weak” enough to need the help, but it was necessary. There were things I physically could not do (like drive…or walk – lol)
I didn’t like feeling that I was unable to care for myself and my kids.
In this moment, I was taught compassion. Eat your words compassion. I pride myself on being strong, independent.
I have judged others for needing assistance and asking for help. I have been critical of how others have “handled” their health issues. (oof) Empathy of the highest degree.
You see, when everything is going great with us, it’s easy to have all the answers. When you are not in the depths of your despair, we can see it all so clearly. It’s all so black and white.
Like so many other things, or all the things, it’s many shades of grey. There isn’t a right or wrong. There isn’t a one-size-fits-all. And until you’re sitting at your edge…at your if this is it, I’m done, you can’t know.
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Between Terrace working his magic and the kind, compassionate nature of people, I was able to get in to see our chiropractor/traditional Chinese medicine practitioner Tuesday afternoon. (OMG – it’s amazing how quickly the body can heal/correct itself.)
Yes, it was likely BPPV (crystals in your ear that move from where they are supposed to be into places in your ear they are not supposed to be). He said that part had corrected itself, but the lingering symptoms had a been a loss of power within my body. (ah, yes, this explains the uncontrollable crying).
It was through this session that I realized how angry I had been at my body. How I felt it had betrayed me, and because of that, I detached, and the disconnection led to powerlessness.
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Interestingly, prior to this experience, I would have said I had a pretty good relationship with my body. I check in with her regularly.
Yes, I am present within this relationship when things are “going my way.” Once my expectations are no longer being met, I bail.
I didn’t realize that I was the unhealthy partner in this relationship.
I was reminded that just like the Universe, our bodies do not punish us. They talk to us.
There are messages in the physical symptoms we experience. They aren’t here to hurt us or frustrate us or cause us undue pain and suffering.
Somewhere along the way, I interpreted these messages as “wrong,” and that if I was taking good care of my body, I would not experience them. That does not appear to be the case. They are signs, warnings, messages.
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I am happy to report that I am feeling pretty much back to normal.
I am learning how to repair my relationship with my body. Something I hope to be able to share with others.
I thought my body betrayed me, but it turns out, I betrayed my body.
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