Post 15:
I realized about a year and a half ago that I was highly influenced by people I looked up to or respected. If they liked something, then I should probably like it too. If they were doing something, then it was probably good and I should do it as well. Now, in having said that, I don’t “blame” anyone for any of my actions, just pointing out that I made or didn’t make decisions based on other people.
This was a very interesting discovery for me, especially based on the perceived “who I am.” An opinionated, confident person doesn’t care what other people think, right? This “type of person” makes their own informed decisions, no?
Being the rebellious teenager that I was, I smoked. When I got pregnant with Charli, I quit. That’s what good moms do, right? And while it was easy to quit, probably because I was so sick, I never quite got rid of the crutch (more like ball and chain) that I felt it was. This meant that when I got really upset or had been drinking and around certain people, it was something I reverted back to.
The snowball effect of my life starting to fall apart came to a peak when I was attending NAIT in 2012. What had started out as occasional smoking while drinking (and trying to cope as the rubble was crashing down around me) became full time. Now… this was not something I proudly announced to the world. Do you know how the “good people” of the world perceive smokers? You might as well be shooting up. If you’ve never experienced this, go hang out with a bunch of moms of young kids. Yikes!
Anyhow in order to maintain this persona I had going on -- good mom, good marriage, playschool president, parent council member, etc -- I did not reveal the “real me.” You can tell when your fake persona has really worked when the people you’re hiding from find out and they say things like, “What?! You smoke?! I would never have guessed.” And then there’s that moment where you wait to see if you’re going to be best friends (because they are just like you) or mere acquaintances (because they cannot condone “that type of behaviour.”)
So for a while I hid it from the judgey people and my kids. Then it just gets too hard to hide it from your kids because they are around all the time. I figured it was a good time to teach them that smokers are not lepers. I went through many months of quitting and starting, quitting and starting. Then I found “the solution.” I’d vape. It was perfect. So easy to hide. And technically no longer a smoker. #winning
I hid the vaping less than the smoking, but still, out of fear of criticism and judgement, it was not something I did openly around everyone. Sometimes I didn’t give a shit; sometimes I did. Maybe it depended on how desperate I was.
I had been vaping for years and had not really given any thought to quitting. It wasn’t until one of “my people” made a comment about wanting to quit. She didn’t want to “be a slave” to it anymore. It was honestly the first time I thought about quitting. But there was this moment of “oh, well, if she wants to quit, should I want to quit too? ”
Then another one of my people talked about quitting. “Okay. This is starting to become a pattern of what “we’re” doing next. But quitting seems hard, so I don’t think I’ll do it.” Other than seeds being planted, I didn’t really think about it much. I was totally fine with it, no desire to give it up.
So I’m on this self-improvement journey to own my shit and be the best me, and I knew the vaping was holding me back. I mean it itself wasn’t, but I was because of it. Basically it got to the point of if I couldn’t vape around someone or somewhere, for whatever reason, it was easier to stay home.
So randomly one day I throw out into my journal “what would it take for me to quit vaping?” It wasn’t very long after that I got really sick. It started out as a cold, but it kept morphing into other things.
As much as it hurt to do it and was anything but enjoyable, as any smoker can attest to, you just keep doing it.
In the midst of the sickness, I read most of Allan Carr’s Easy Way to Quit Smoking. I couldn’t read all of it because then you’re supposed to do it.
In my whole adult life, other than pregnancy, I have never been that sick. And as I started to feel better, I decided it was time. I woke up on July 16th, 2018, read the book and quit that afternoon. I didn’t even tell anyone. I just did it.
It wasn’t difficult, but I had some uncomfortableness. The hardest of which was not being able to fall asleep or sleep well for four weeks. I did a lot of journaling through the first few days. On July 20, 2018, I felt inspired to write a break-up letter.
“It’s been 96 hours since we broke up. Unfortunately we’ve had a tumultuous relationship where I often want to break up with you, but then I’ll try and I’ll miss you or something (that I may even cause) will happen and I go back to you. We’ve been in this on-again-off-again relationship for 21 years.
It’s only been recently that I realized I’m abused in this relationship. You’ve brainwashed me to believe that you give me something, that I need you, that you’re my best friend.
In fact, you’ve isolated me. I knew people would see past you and see you for who you really are, so I hid you. Those people I didn’t hide you from, I knew they saw you for who you really are and I was always afraid they’d judge me.
After we’d break up and I’d see you with someone else, I’d be jealous; I’d want to get back together. I’d forget all the reasons we broke up and make up reasons why we should get back together.
While it’s always hard to break up with someone, even when you are a million percent sure it’s the right thing to do, this time is the last time.
As Taylor Swift says, “We are never, ever getting back together.”
Even if I still think about you, I realize you bring nothing to my life. There is nothing to lose by breaking up with you.
I used to think you were my best friend, and when we broke up, I’d feel like a part of me was missing. But I finally came to my senses and realized that true friends don’t kill each other, best friends don’t brainwash each other, true friends uplift each other and don’t drag each other down. My best friends make me want to be the best me; they push me to grow and be better. They don’t make me want to hide in my house by myself.
I’ve spent too much of my life believing your lies. I don’t need you. In fact, I’ll be so much better off without you.
I hope all the others you are dating will see you for what you are. I will no longer envy them; I’ll feel empathy because I know how strong your narcissism runs.
I am no longer your slave. I am finally free, and that’s the best feeling ever.
Don’t bother calling or texting, I won’t be answering.
I will not miss you.
I will not be coming back, so just move on.”
It was long time before I could read that without crying. Here’s the thing: As much as I felt judged by other people for smoking or vaping, I actually judged myself WAY more. It was a “dirty little secret” that I was ashamed of.
Now, I am free.
“I feel like I’m drowning - Two Feet” was the song I listened to a lot during this time.
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